Post the Second - "Too Young"

So, the “too young” topic…

I’ll preface this by warning my readers that I am a very opinionated person, who can get quite passionate in voicing or defending said opinions. I concede that others have every right to their own opinions and my main goal is understanding, not forcing others to share my opinions (though if I could change a few people’s minds on certain subjects I certainly would not mind). I simply want to understand others’ opinions and for them to understand mine. If that understanding comes with either party changing their opinion, that’s fine. If both parties come to an understanding but agree to disagree, that’s fine as well. I simply ask that everyone try to be respectful in any discussions and PLEASE DO NOT FEED TROLLS.

NOTE: As I’m sure you can see I do have a habit (which annoys Dubya greatly) of using caps, bold, underlining, etc for emphasis, not yelling. If I am yelling IT WILL LIKELY LOOK MORE LIKE THIS!!!! and it is unlikely to really happen anyway. I apologize if it causes any confusion, it is just how my personality translates to text.

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I digress. The “too young” thing. I honestly do not believe there is such a thing as “too young” to feel a given emotion, perform a task, or understand a concept. I believe there is too juvenile, too immature,  too naïve… but not “too young”.

I realize that many people use “too young” when they mean “too immature” (hence the quotation marks around too young) but as a self-proclaimed language fanatic, grammar freak and vocabulary aficionado, I feel that semantics are often much more important than people want to believe.

How something is said… the phraseology, the inflection and tone, the body language… is usually at least as important, if not more so than what is being said. It is like calling someone who has been attacked a victim or a survivor. In both cases it means that the person has been attacked, but using the word “victim” makes it sound as though they are broken and weak, whereas “survivor” makes them sound strong and like they have overcome it.

I understand that sometimes an age restriction must be set in order to regulate something. Some examples are being allowed to drink legally, consenting to sex, etc. These things need to be regulated by laws and it would be much more difficult to decide on a case-by-case basis if an individual is capable of the maturity and responsibility needed.

However, what about those who are “too young” to fall in love, “too young” to understand where babies come from or any other “adult” concepts? At what point are you “old enough”?

I met my husband when I was 16. We moved in together when I was 17. He proposed a couple of months later and we got married when I was 18, just a couple of weeks after I graduated from high school. A month after we got married I became pregnant with our first child, P1, and she was born when I was 19. Was I “too young”? Our marriage is still great now, almost 4 years later. We disagree at times, sometimes more passionately than others. We’ve had our share of rough patches including a (thankfully short) period of time with no income just months after P1 was born, issues with sex, emotional issues related to P1’s birth (which was a bit traumatic for me, more on that in another post), financial strain, little to no time to connect with one another sans children… some issues easier to handle than others.

We have also had our share of wonderful experiences including our wedding (I’ll never forget how he cried, just a little, as he said his vows) and honeymoon, P1’s birth (confusing how it can be traumatic and also one of the best days of our lives), P2’s birth (which was a huge healing experience for the whole family, more on that in another post as well), overcoming the rough patches together and coming out stronger because of them. I am certainly not perfect, but regardless of my age I am a good wife and mother who could not be more dedicated or devoted to my husband or my children.

So if 16 is not “too young” to meet your life partner and fall in love, and an 18 year old, just out of high school can be “old enough” to get married, conceive and become a mother at 19… how about 10? Is 10 “too young” to take the first steps in this journey of finding your true love, the person you will marry and raise children with?

My own brother was just 10 years old when he met and began “going out with” the girl he would eventually marry. He proposed to her (on one knee, with a diamond ring… the whole 9 yards) when they were 14. We also moved 2 states away when he was 14 but they maintained a long-distance relationship for 3 long years before she became pregnant when they were 17. He moved back to our hometown to live with our grandparents shortly before they started their senior year of high school. They were married that December and their first daughter was born the following February. They both finished high school and went on to college. He cares for the children (they now have 3 girls) while she goes to school full-time. She has gotten one degree in teaching but immediately started working on another because she would not be able to teach what she wanted to teach without the second degree. She is a very strong woman and loving mother who wants the best for her children. Their third child was born on a Friday and she was back in class the following Monday so that she could finish her first degree on time but she still pumped so that her baby could be fed breast milk. They celebrated their 6^th wedding anniversary in December 2011. Things would likely have been easier for them if they had not been in school when they became parents but they have always had the maturity to do the things they needed to do.

I am definitely not advocating getting pregnant or married in, or even right out of, high school. I am simply asking parents to think about it the next time they want to tell their children they are “too young”.

“Too young” neglects to recognize that our children are individuals with their own experiences, their own level of maturity and responsibility, their own beliefs and convictions, their own thoughts and emotions. “Too young” can be just as harmful as any other stereotype. The next time you are tempted to use the words “too young” ask yourself why the person is “too young” and why they feel they are “old enough”. Ask them more about their feelings and let them know that it is okay to feel them, while helping them think through why it might not be a good idea to act on them if you believe they shouldn’t (but accept that they very well might have valid reasons for thinking that they should). Do not invalidate their feelings but help them come to a mature, thought-out conclusion about how to act on their feelings (if they come to the conclusion themselves they will likely stick with the decision, whereas if you simply TELL them what to do they will likely rebel). Children of all ages respond much better if you acknowledge that they are thinking, feeling people who are capable of reasoning and solving problems with guidance, rather than simply telling them “do this” or “don’t do this” followed by a big, fat “BECAUSE I SAID SO”.

Do you ever tell your kids they are too young or use the “because I said so” card? When might it be okay to do so?