I don’t know why I do it to myself, but once in a while I end up reading stories, posts, news articles, etc. written by survivors of rape or that are about sexual attacks. I am a survivor of rape/incest and I definitely can understand why people write these stories and posts online. It is very therapeutic. I will likely end up writing some, or all, of my story on here at some point.
The truth is, the longer I am in a stable, loving relationship with my husband… The longer my life remains happy and safe, for myself and my children… The less these things I read take me back to things I do not want to remember. When they do take me back, I dwell on it less and less.
There will never be a time that I don’t remember. There will never be a time that reading news stories about those kind of assaults (especially involving children) will not rip my heart out of my chest. There will never be a time that I am not living in fear of my children being hurt in that way because the terrifying truth is that it is quite likely it will happen at some point in their lives.
As much as it is wrong that our rape culture is more focused on teaching girls and women “don’t get raped” rather than teaching potential rapists “don’t rape”, all I can do is teach my children how to protect themselves and what to do after the fact when and if it does happen.
I REFUSE to teach them to live in fear of dressing how they choose, of going out at night (even just to walk from work to their car), or anything else that women “shouldn’t do” in order to “protect themselves from rape” (as if rape, or preventing it, is THEIR responsibility, rather than the rapists’)… But sadly I do feel I need to make sure they learn a form of self defense (to protect themselves from any crime, not just sexual ones) and that they should never wash away evidence and that they should get to the police and/or hospital as soon as possible so that the evidence can be collected. And, the most horrible to think about of all, that if they feel their life is in danger they should cooperate with the attacker (note: that does not mean CONSENT).
I just pray that I find the right balance of making sure they know what to do, without making them fear a possible attack around every corner.
I was reading something the other day about why a woman planned on taking her 9 year old daughter to SlutWalk (I have a very strong desire to participate in one myself and plan to take my children to one or something like it when they are older) and the comments were filled with people condemning her for taking her young daughter out to parade around in inappropriate clothing (after she had clearly stated they would be dressed conservatively) and people saying they didn’t want their daughters to be getting the message that dressing/acting like a slut was okay (these things are summarized, not quoting any particular comment).
I felt compelled to post a comment as well, though after I submitted it I realized that the post was older than I realized and I don’t think my comment will end up visible there so I thought I’d post it here.
Comment below:
Why are there so many people commenting on SlutWalk without taking the time to find out WHAT IT IS or even to READ the post they are commenting on?
Oh, wait. Nevermind... these must be the same people that would call a woman a "slut" based on something superficial, such as the way she is dressed, while having absolutely no knowledge of her personal character.
SlutWalk actually has very little to do with going out in lingerie or hot pants (of course some participants choose to do so and they have every right to do so without fear that they will be attacked). In fact, the author CLEARLY stated that she and her daughter would be wearing CONSERVATIVE clothing (jeans and t-shirts hardly sound like they are walking around in their underwear to me anyway...).
SlutWalk is about taking away the word's power to hurt our daughters and granddaughters... It is about eradicating the messages that rape is okay in ANY circumstance, or that the VICTIM could ever be more at fault than the PERPETRATOR. It is about the fact that too many women grow up with the EXPECTATION that they WILL be sexually assaulted and they WILL be blamed for it no matter what they were doing, where they were, what they were wearing... They were "asking for it" by the sheer fact of being a woman. It is mothers living in fear for their daughters. It's not having to find that perfect (read: nonexistent) balance between dressing provocatively enough that the chauvinistic pig interviewing you for the job you need to pay your bills might glance in your direction (because society tells us we must and tells him it is acceptable to ignore us if we don't) but not so provocatively that if he assaults you it will be "your fault".
SlutWalk IS about the "sluts" who are subjected to rape. The prostitutes, the partiers, the women who thought they were out on an innocent date, the lesbian who is being "shown what it's like to be with a man" because she "just doesn't know what she's missing", the toddler assaulted by Daddy or Uncle or Grandpa (was s/he "asking for it?), the elementary school or even high school student assaulted by a classmate or teacher, the woman walking to her car at night or riding the subway, the man blackmailed or overpowered by his abuser (male or female), the teenager sold into sex trafficking, the wife whose husband thinks it is his RIGHT, that he OWNS her body... What about Middle Eastern women, oppressed and forced to hide under heavy black burkas? Are they "asking for it"? Did she show too much eyebrow? Did he catch a glimpse of her hand? Her ankle?
How much do you have to show to make rape okay? At what point are you showing enough to make it "your fault"??? Who gets to decide? A male judge? The police officer? Your rapist??
No means NO. I don't care if both (or all 3, or 4...) people are naked and he has already put a condom on... if they are married and have been having sex for years... Rape is NEVER okay and a woman will NEVER be asking for it (because if she was it wouldn't be RAPE).
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